Many of the basic responses to loss are wired into our mammalian attachment systems. These circuits regulate proximity-seeking, safety signaling, and care responses.
When an infant or bonded partner is lost, many mammals—including humans, wolves, elephants, lions, and dolphins—and even birds—display similar distress behaviors:
- Searching or calling/vocalizing
- Pacing or agitation
- Withdrawal or decreased activity
- Lingering near and touching, stroking the body
- Staying with a deceased calf for hours or days
- Changes in posture, appetite, and sleep
- Seeking comfort from group members
- Group members slowing down to accompany the grieving mother
For example, elephants display prolonged mourning, returning to the sites of death for years and engaging in communal rituals. This reminds us that grief is biologically wired, and attachment is natural, ancient, and primal—shared by life across the planet.
How Culture Shapes Support
Grief is universal, but how we express compassion, sorrow, and support is deeply shaped by culture. A Stanford University study found that cultures vary widely in how they communicate sympathy—some emphasize shared emotion, while others focus on offering solutions or quiet presence.
Read the research here: Stanford Study on Cultural Differences in Sympathy
Understanding these differences can bring psychological relief, especially when you’re grieving, and the people around you may not be “showing up” in the ways you need or expect. This can be very detrimental to your relationships, adding insult to injury when your loved one is lost on how to support you.
Expressing Grief Outwardly
In certain cultural contexts, people show support by mirroring the mourner’s emotions—crying with them, sitting closely, or sharing stories. Expressive sympathy is seen as validating and connected. These families treat grief as a shared, communal responsibility. Tears are welcomed and expected.
Emphasize Steadiness and Problem-Solving
In these communities, people offer support by staying calm, giving advice, or trying to help the grieving person “move forward.” To them, this is compassionate, not dismissive. They believe that avoiding discussing their loss may be seen as the most loving response.
None of these approaches are “right” or “wrong.” They simply reflect how a community understands pain, connection, and healing.
When Grief Activates Deeper Emotional Layers
For many people, grief can intensify older emotional patterns and unresolved issues. In therapy, we can become aware that loss activates:
- Long-standing family roles (“the strong one,” “the fixer”).
- Childhood attachment wounds or prior, unaddressed losses
Your grief does not need to match anyone else’s expectations.
Recognize that some people express support through action, some through words, and some by staying silent because they feel unsure. You can choose what’s helpful for you.
Here are books frequently shared with clients:
- Finding Meaning — David Kessler
- It’s OK That You’re Not Okay — Megan Devine
- The Grief Recovery Handbook — John James
- I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye — Brooke Noel
Podcasts are especially comforting if you want to feel accompanied but aren’t ready to talk.
Ten Grief Podcasts to Help with Your Healing Journey
If you’d like support navigating this journey, please get in touch with me.
